Many Hands Make Light Work

 One of the first challenges I faced when I realized that my mom needed pro-active eldercare, was that there is a lot to do. As her cognitive function declined, her ability and willingness to do things for herself declined as well. This would come to mean that every task would have to be done by someone else. Almost every activity would have to be prompted. This would include shopping, cleaning, paying bills, preparing food, scheduling doctor's appointments, exercise, even getting out of bed and going to the bathroom!

Basically, I was living her life for her. This would get in the way of me living my life, and vice versa. As an only child of a single parent, there really was no one else I could count on for help. Eventually her care was conflicting with work, hobbies, social engagements, even sleep.

I wound up hiring a home health aid and later getting her into an assisted living facility. But even so, the cost, paperwork, monitoring, and need to visit her regularly, maintain her medical appointments, and everything else, all had to become part of my life as much, or even more, than anything else.

Amazingly, my best friend from elementary school also has a mom who needs care, and he put her in the same assisted living facility I had put my mom. I talked with him one day that he and I were both visiting our respective moms. He talked about how they had let go of their home health aide in the expectation that the assisted living facility would take over all of the tasks that the aide had been doing. But it turned out that a staff of three or four cannot do everything for a dozen to fifteen elderly people in various states of cognitive decline  than one person can do for one.

Having had my mom in this facility for a year, I knew that having her aide with her did help fill in the cracks the staff would fall through. I knew that not only are regular visits important to mom, they are also important to monitor the care mom is receiving, even with her home health aide.

I knew that my friend's mom needed either more visits or an aide. But I remembered that he had a brother and a sister, and there were several grown kids between all of them. I did the math and realized that there were so many kids and grandkids of his mom, that if they took turns visiting her, none of them would have to go more than once a week, and one of them could take a week off!

So now they take turns visiting, each with their specific day of the week. My friend and his two siblings once a week, and one or two of their kids fill in at least two of the other days. I look forward to checking in with him on my next visit. 

If you have relatives, any sort of family, within commuting distance or in regular contact via phone and Internet, you a should count that as a blessing. Dividing the tasks among you will save the time and sanity of all of you, and help your mom or dad.